A lawyer and a politician walk into a bar...

There are three things you should never trust. A lawyer, a politician, and a fart.

It doesn’t take long to be hyper-aware of and familiar with your bowel movements. Medication often says things like “if symptoms continue….” Well, my lovely little duck, my symptoms have continued since February 2022, and I want to stop farting.

I can track a fart from its creation. I can stand in front of you and point as I trace the journey through my gut. Then, just before it breaks for freedom, I have to run to the toilet. Just in case.

Unfortunately, Ireland is also suffering from gas. Simethicone, the active ingredient in a popular ant-farting over-the-counter medication, is nowhere to be found.

I have started breathing through the gas to change its velocity. Which is a shame as I miss the heady days of launching a big one and patting myself on the back for its volume and longevity.

The breathing helps. First, the pain is eased greatly, especially if I am already lying down. Secondly, as movement exacerbates it, being able to eliminate going to the loo just in case is a quality-of-life update.

It would be nice not to have to do all this. Things I have thought about during the really bad times:

So, I daydream of a good hot drink (tea, coffee, honey and lemon) while hunched over a hot water bottle shoved in a pair of elasticated pyjama bottoms. The hot water bottle will get a post of its own. What a story that is. #exit

Beir bua agus beannacht.

Beir bua agus beannacht.